Mindset Reinvented: Love, Dating, and Relationship Advice with Sally Maxwell

Sally: You need to avoid lying to yourself. We lie to ourselves, and we call it different things. We lie to ourselves in big and small ways. So, here's a great way of how people who just start dating lie to themselves. They show up as who they think their partner wants them to be.

Maybe that's a more manicured version of themselves. Maybe that's a hyper-sexualized version of themselves. Maybe that's a more athletic version of themselves. Maybe that's a version of themselves that drinks green juice and does meditations every day. But the truth is, that's not who they've cultivated themselves to be.

Welcome to Mindset Reinvented. I'm Jack Trama. Join me each week as we explore emotional well-being, relationships, health, and prosperity. Get ready to thrive. As Neil Walsh often says, "the purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness."

We have a special treat for you today. Remember Sally Maxwell? She's joining us again, and this time, we're shaking things up a bit. And for those of you that are new to the show, Sally's the real deal when it comes to relationships. She and her husband, Zach, run Maxwell coaching, where they help couples and individuals build stronger, more meaningful connections.

And here's what's different about what we're going to do today. We asked some of our awesome listeners to send in their relationship questions, and, wow, did they come through. We've got a stack of real-life situations that Sally's going to tackle head-on. So whether you're navigating the early stages of dating or if you've been married for decades, Sally's insights are pure gold.

She's bringing her unique blend of professional know-how, her personal experience, all of it to the table. So get comfortable. Grab your notepad. We're going right for it. You're going to want to jot some notes down of this wisdom. Sally, welcome back to the show.

Sally Maxwell: Thank you for having me, Jack. I'm so glad to be here.

Jack: Me, too. Me, too, Sally. We've collected a bunch of great questions from our listeners about relationships. So before we start going through them, do you have any opening thoughts for our audience as we begin this Q&A session?

Sally: Yes. People can learn how to love better. Being inside of a relationship requires you to bring tools and strategies to the table. And when you apply specific tools and strategies to your relationship, you actually can love your partner better. And my husband and I learned this 20 years ago when we first got together.

I remember having this aha moment. I shared it with you the last time we were speaking, Jack, where I realized that it's almost like there's this secret. There are these tools that people can apply to their relationship in order to have a better experience. And it's a combination of growing yourself in service of coming together as two whole, complete, autonomous people to have a relationship that thrives.

Jack: You're living proof, essentially, that all these tools, these fundamentals of relationships, just flat out work if you learn them and apply them.

Sally: Yes.

Q1: Communicating Grievances

Jack: Terrific. Let's get to our first question here. And so what was sent in was: I listened to your last podcast and was so interested in your topic about communicating your grievances with your partner. If you've already communicated those grievances successfully, but there hasn't been any acknowledgement. In other words, the grievance is still occurring. How would you suggest navigating through that? I know couples will often disagree about things, but I can't help feeling like the continued behavior is a lack of acknowledgement of my feelings.

Sally: Such a good question. So, first of all, let's just talk about what a grievance is. A grievance, of course, is your issue, your upset, your snarl at your partner about anything that they do, big or small. But a grievance is really part of a dynamic between you and your partner.

So, yes, your partner is doing the thing to annoy you, but you are also contributing in perpetuating this dynamic. So, inside of a relationship, anything that upsets you is a result of some dynamic. And here's the interesting thing about dynamics, is they're never 50-50. Sometimes it's 60% you, 40% your partner, sometimes it's 99% you, 1% your partner, or vice versa.

Couples are always interested in the 50-50, but it's never 50-50. So in order to evolve this dynamic that your grievance lives inside of, you have to look for where you are personally accountable for perpetuating this dynamic. So maybe it's that you waited 20 years to speak up about it, and now it's this big accumulated thing.

It's turned into this big monster in your head, and you're just so upset and angry about it that when you do get the chance to communicate it to your partner, it comes out in a messy way. Maybe there's something inside of yourself that you're not even recognizing or noticing that you are doing that's perpetuating this dynamic.

Now, this is a lot of the work that we do in initial couples coaching sessions where we hone in on what you're bringing to the table that's perpetuating the dynamic and why it can't change. And I see in my couples all the time that even if one person owns their personal accountability that contributes to this dynamic, the dynamic will change.

So, good effort communicating your grievance to your partner, but there's really more to the dance. There's really more to the complexity. Foaming out the rat's nest.

Jack: Sally, that is really powerful simply because when we look at the dynamic of the relationship, a lot of times we're looking at the fact that, okay, well, I gave it the best shot that I could give it, and I'm not getting the positive feedback that I would have expected.

But what you say is very true. We have to look inward and say, okay, well, you're right. Was I neglectful for 20 years? And I didn't bring it up at all. And now I'm bringing it up and I'm expecting a response that I'm probably not going to get. So having some sensitivity around that, I think it's really, really important.

Q2: Long-Distance Relationships

Jack: Very good. That's a super first start of the questions here. We have another one here. My wife and I met online during Covid-19 lockdown. We started out as a long-distance relationship and then moved in with each other. Pretty soon it was the only way to actually spend time together because everything was locked down.

And then after the lockdown, we both started working from home so that we can spend a lot of time with each other, and we ended up not spending a lot of time with others. Now, when one of us travels, my wife really misses me, like, intensely. And we've been together for about four years. I'm 33. My wife is 27. What advice do you have for couples who struggle being apart, and what are the ways to feel close to your partner in a long-distance relationship?

Sally: A two-parter. So the real secret to a long-term lasting relationship is having two autonomous people who have a thriving life of their own, who are able to come together to lift one another up. And what's happening is that the two of you came together and you habitually became one, you habitually started to depend on the other person.

And my sense is, without speaking with you, that there are parts of yourself that are calling out to be developed, that are begging you to be developed, and you believe that your partner is going to be a solution to this. But really what I'm going to coach you to do is look inward and actually ask yourself, what is it that you're missing about your partner and what does that point to in you so that you can develop it?

This may be a tricky thing for you to find on your own. So my best advice, if you are on your own, if you're not working with a professional, is to obviously journal about it, talk with your partner about it, ask them what their opinion of what they think you're missing, if you're missing them is.

But when it really comes down to it, this all points to that. You and your partner are both being called to challenge to develop your own autonomous selves. And that is going to be the foundation and the secret to a long-lasting relationship.

Jack: Yeah. And again, all roads are leading back to us. That seems to be the common theme. And then what about when partners are traveling and they're apart from each other? What are the ways that one could feel close to your partner in a long-distance relationship? Obviously, there's FaceTime and there's things of that nature, but what are some of your ideas?

Sally: Well, first off, it just depends on how long they're traveling for. I have clients where one partner will travel for three, four days at a time. And what we'll do in that situation is we'll create, we'll design intentional couples time. So FaceTime is such an amazing tool for that.

We'll develop intentional couples time. The other thing that we make sure to do is when the couples are physically together to intentionally create intimate time. Because the one thing that makes you different from anyone else in the world is the fact that you are physically intimate if you're inside of a monogamous relationship.

So keeping those two things in check. Our emotional intimate connection and our physical intimate connection. Now, if you are apart for a long time, let's say you're apart for months at a time. There are ways to skin the cat around dealing with your intimate connection, which we delve into based on each individual inside of couples coaching sessions.

But then in terms of emotional connection, what I recommend is setting specific dates, like dates during the day. It could even be a 15-minute time each day where non-negotiable, you guys know that you're going to connect. And you don't just connect and say, hey, what's up? How was your day? You connect with an intentional question like what was the best part of your day? Or you can even start by acknowledging something that you love about your partner. Because what you're really trying to do here is get the biggest bang for your buck in the limited amount of time that you have with your partner.

Another tool that I think is really fun. Now, I don't teach this, but I just incorporate this as a fun tool in my practice is learning what your love language is. Right. The five love languages is such a useful tool. When you establish and you take the five-minute quiz online, what your love language is, you're able to then ask your partner, your long-distance partner, what they could do to tell you in your way, in your love language, that they love you.

So for example, if your love language is gifts, maybe your long-distance partner sends you something in the mail once a week. If your love language is touch, maybe you ask your partner to surprise you by setting up a massage. They're not there to physically touch you, but they can get a proxy in to give you a massage.

So you're thinking creatively how we can use technology, but also how we can use your limited time together as intentionally focused as possible to generate that kind of intimate connection. So that when you guys do come together in person, the flame is still there.

Jack: Nice. And so it's really understanding what your partner's preferences are for feeling connected and loved.

Sally: Mhm.

Q3: Separate Bank Accounts in Marriage

Jack: Love that. Love that. This next question is a very interesting one, and it was one that was on my mind many, many years ago. And, so here it is. It's about bank accounts. We share everything except bank accounts. We run our budgets together. We're aware of literally every penny of each other. But I get a lot of advice from people about merging accounts and I don't like that, as I think separate finances give us a sense of independence. What do you think?

Sally: The first question I would ask is why? Right? And I understand that they give you the sense of separate. Why is that important to you? And what does that independence represent? Okay, so more times than not, the answer that I get from clients is, well, just in case we end up splitting up, I like to know that what's mine is mine, and what's theirs is theirs.

That's the typical answer that I get. It's typically a fear-based decision. And here's the coaching. Here's the general coaching. Now, I cannot stress enough that this is the general coaching. This does not apply to every specific case. But the general coaching that my husband and I use in our practice is for couples, if they're married, to merge their bank accounts.

Because it goes with the what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine philosophy. And if you merge your bank accounts, it actually forces you as a couple, to work as a team. It forces each of you to think and do whatever you can to lift and elevate your partner so that they can function, produce, contribute to the world, to their highest ability.

And it's a one plus one equals three kind of phenomenon. So no longer is it mine and yours. It's ours. And everything that grows in that collective garden of ours grows bigger and has the potential to grow brighter because two people are contributing to it.

Jack: So completely eliminate the individual accounts.

Sally: That's what I recommend for a committed, monogamous marriage where people are building a life together. And again, that is a very generalized statement. I can't stress that enough. But that's the general. I have plenty of clients where we tweak that or where we design something else. But my general response to that question, without knowing more, is that fair enough?

Jack: It comes from a place of truth. Sally, everything that you say has a foundation of truth, so makes perfect sense to me.

Q4: Common Reasons Relationships Fall Apart

Jack: We have another question here. So the question is, what's the most common occurrence that you see in relationships that end up falling apart? What do I need to avoid?

Sally: Basically, that's a loaded question. You need to avoid lying to yourself. We lie to ourselves, and we call it different things. We lie to ourselves in big and small ways. So here's a great way of how people who just start dating lie to themselves. They show up as who they think their partner wants them to be.

Maybe that's a more manicured version of themselves. Maybe that's a hyper-sexualized version of themselves. Maybe that's a more athletic version of themselves. Maybe that's a version of themselves that drinks green juice and does meditations every day. But the truth is, that's not who they've cultivated themselves to be.

And somebody can hold up that lie for two to six weeks, but then it starts to become hard. And then what happens is, we start to resent our partner for making us be this way, when it really just started out as us manipulating our true self so that we could gain the acceptance of the other person.

That always crashes and burns. I see it in marriages that are 20 years old, where somebody's been really lying to themselves about who they are because they believed that their partner needed them to be that way. And then after 20 years of resentment, it feels like there's this titanic rift between the two of them that seems insurmountable to get over when the truth is that you can navigate your way through it, but it just becomes bigger and bigger over time.

Jack: Clearly not sustainable and clearly not a solid foundation to build a relationship on, especially if this is the person that you're going to share resources with, share life with. I think the importance of being who you are, authentically, as you can, is incredibly important.

Sally: Right. But it's tricky. It's so tricky because suddenly we see this person in front of us, another person who we really want to like us, we really want to love us. So we're going to do whatever we can in order to get that person to like us. Even if that means augment the truth just a little bit.

Jack: Yeah. So then there must be a balance. I</pCertainly. Here's the continuation of the transcript:

Jack: Yeah. So then there must be a balance. I think we're all creatures of some wonderful things. We're loving human beings. But then there's that other side of us also, that we don't like to show, we don't like to share. It shines a light or puts a magnifying glass on where our imperfections are. And I think that's where people struggle with that.

Sally: The thing that we all need to remember is that if there's any part of us that's hiding our... Whether it's our darkness or something that we're ashamed of or something that we don't believe that the world or our partner could accept, you can bet your bottom dollar that your partner has their own version of that, that they are also hiding and withholding.

So if you really want to attract an honest person who is the highest reflection of who you would want to be with, again, all arrows point to you to start being radically honest with yourself about who you are and get really good at dating. Meaning show up as that person. Practice showing up as that person.

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Q5: Dealing with Retroactive Jealousy

Jack: And it's amazing there are questions here. And the next one is going to build on what you just said, because the question is, how can I stop retroactive jealousy? In other words, worrying about my partner's past?

Sally: Well, I want to know what you're specifically jealous of. But since I don't know, here's my general answer. First, you want to have a come-to-Jesus conversation with your partner, where both of you just put everything on the table about your past. And this is an incredibly vulnerable and trusting conversation where you're really just saying everything that happened.

Okay, now, let's say part of your partner's past is that they cheated on multiple partners. Or maybe they even cheated on you ten years ago, and you guys are coming back together. Part of what's going to help you build a foundation moving forward is asking yourself, how did I contribute to this dynamic of infidelity? Or how did I pick a partner who has a past of lies?

Now, the answer is, it's all within yourself. And you ask yourself, what am I lying about? What am I hiding? What am I not speaking up about? Where did I have a spidey sense that something was off and I didn't listen to my intuition? And this becomes an exercise of cleaning up your side of the sandbox and also learning how to trust your own intuition and speaking up when you feel and say something.

So really, the way that you trust your partner is by learning to trust yourself, learning to trust your intuition, and building up the scaffolding inside of your relationship so that neither of you can fall off either side based on what happened in the past.

Jack: Absolute truth bombs right here, guys. Every time I listen to Sally, I learn a tremendous amount, not only in relationships, but about myself. And you're speaking truth, and that's what I seek in my life and the things that I do. Absolutely love, love, love where we're going with this.

Q6: Opening Up About the Future

Jack: We have another question here. Hey, Sally. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We have a blast together. But whenever I try to talk about our future or go into deeper stuff, he clams up. How do I get him to open up without scaring him away?

Sally: I would ask him in a coaching session, what are you scared of? And whatever your answer is is totally fine. Honestly, I would ask him that, because if you're managing, not scaring away someone... Well, let me back up for a second. You're in this relationship for two years. You're not getting the intimacy and the connection and the building you actually want.

So if he stayed this way, if he stayed clammy, let's call it long term, this isn't going to work for you. So your best shot is to get honest with him and ask him point blank. And if he can't handle meeting you where you need him to meet you, that's an indication that he may not be your person, he may not be your person, to go deep, to go vulnerable, to create the future that you want together.

And that may come with its consequential heartbreak, but that may be the truth. So I would say ask him point blank, be who you want to be and who you want him to be in the relationship and give him the opportunity to show up.

Jack: Yeah. And it's really willing to become vulnerable to a point where you may not get the response or the answer that you have hoped for. But I think it's so critically important. And, Sally, you hit the nail on the head to be able to have that kind of conversation. And if it's not going to change and it doesn't align well with you, some hard decisions need to be made.

Sally: It's true. Because the truth is, if you're managing, not scaring away your partner, you're actually living inside of a manipulation, and that does not have long-term sustainability. So your best practice is to show up authentically, as you are, and give your partner the opportunity to meet you where you are.

Q7: Dating Advice for Singles

Jack: Excellent. That's excellent. We have about three more questions, and one of them is with regard to a single. So I've been single for a while. And I'm finally ready to date again. What should I be looking for in the early stages so I know if someone is actually good for me?

Sally: Well, what you should first do is show up as yourself and practice dating. So I talk about the concept of practicing dating a lot with my clients, which means it takes intentionality to actually show up as you are with another human being. We are so conditioned to adjust and chameleon based on our environment, based on what we expect or interpret the other person to want or need from us.

So my first recommendation for you is to start going on dates. Don't expect them to be the one, but start going on at least three dates a week so that you can practice showing up as yourself, warts and all. When you do that, you actually don't even have to manage what the other person is bringing to the table. You're either going to scare off the wrong people or attract the right people.

So that's the first starter. The second thing is be more interested in how you feel around this person and how you feel about yourself with this person rather than if they check the boxes off. We're really good at having our set of boxes and having our set of criteria that we need in the other person.

That's why I'm not focusing on that. I think as a culture, we all get and understand have your checkboxes. But what we forget in that list of checkboxes is to tune in with, okay, how do I feel around this person? Do they make me feel happy, joyful, confident? Do I feel self-expressed? Do I feel shut down? Do I feel a little bit of sense of, you know, some old, familiar wounds and allow that feeling to also have a hefty weight on whether or not this is the right person for you?

Jack: True. It's true. Again, it really is, as a single person dating. And, you know what I'll say is, get your reps in. Yeah. And see how you feel. And I think it's important not to have expectations. And I think that's where people kind of hurt themselves in many ways, is because they go out there with an expectation of finding that perfect match.

And when it doesn't happen and they look inward and they're like, okay, well, what's wrong with me? And then it snowballs into insecurities and maybe withdrawing from the dating scene completely because you don't feel good about yourself. I think there's a lot of dynamic in that.

Q8: Balancing Togetherness and Independence

Jack: Okay, here we have, my girlfriend wants to do everything together, but I need my space too. How do I keep my identity without making her feel like I don't want to be around her? Because that is not the case.

Sally: You have a loving conversation with her. This all comes down to very intentional communication. So you say something like, you sit down with her and say, "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? There's something really important that I want to talk to you about. There's nothing wrong, but I want to talk to you because I noticed that you've been telling me, I just want to be around with you all the time.

Now, here's the thing. I do want to be around with you, around you. And I also have this need for some autonomous time, and that has nothing to do with how much or how little I love you. It simply has to do with my appetite for my own autonomy.

And there really is an autonomous scale of how much autonomy we need as human beings. So I would like to design with you what that would look like for us so that we can co-create it together, so we can both be bought in to what we're creating and live according to that. What do you think?"

Jack: Yeah. And that's really powerful. I think that for a lot of us, we may have not have the confidence in opening up dialogue coming from the heart and saying it in such a way where it's going to open up conversation versus pull somebody away. In fact, we have recently developed a free guide called conversation starters.

And it actually helps people with some narrative around how to approach these important conversations without the result being the opposite of what you want. And guys, if you want that, it's a free resource for now. But you're more than welcome to opt in at mindsetreinvented.com and you'll be able to find that.

Sally: Well, Jack, that you're offering that resource. That's the heart and soul of all of these riffs and all of these disconnections is conversation. And it's at the heart and soul of what we teach in our practice as well. So I'm so glad you're giving that.

Jack: Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it is about practice. It really is. And it's like anything else. If you're in certain work or if you're an athlete and you know this to be true, you became an extraordinarily competitive skier back in the day and won many times. Why? Because you prepared.

And so I think preparation is important. And it's not about winning in a relationship. Winning, you're winning an argument. It's not about that, but it is about being prepared. And it means that much to you to be prepared so that you can have a healthy conversation.

Q9: Speaking Your Partner's Love Language

Jack: Last question. I want to respect your time is I show love by doing things for my partner. But he says that he needs to hear words and that feels a little awkward to me. Do you have any tips on speaking his language without feeling fake?

Sally: Yes, yes, yes. It sounds like you are me when you're asking this question 15 years ago. So my husband loves hearing words. He showers me in words. And it's lovely, but it's not my... I don't receive love that way. So here's my tip for you. This worked for me in my own relationship.

This is going to sound a little silly at first, and a little mechanical works. Set an alarm on your phone to say something intentionally, to say an intentional acknowledgement to your partner. Once a day when you do this, you're going to start to train yourself to get into the habit of communicating to your partner this way.

And it takes 60 days to develop a habit. So you're going to have a reminder that pops up on your phone to communicate to them, "Hey, you know that thing that you did today? I really appreciate," or "I really saw you when you tried to do this thing and you overcame it, that's phenomenal." Or "Really loved when you did this thing for your mother."

After 60 days, it will become habitual. You can keep the reminder for as long as you need to, but that's truly how you train yourself to speak in the way to your partner. And it works for me. And now, 15 years later, I'm still doing it because it's now part of my daily routine. Just like brushing my teeth, flossing my teeth, taking my vitamins, working out. I'm trained to say something authentic and inspired to my husband every day.

Jack: That is something I never thought about before, and I think that is absolute, pure gold. We use our calendars for everything in our lives. Everything. But that would be a great way to really keep us consistent with our partners. Sally, I absolutely love that. Can you tell our listeners, the friends of the show, how they... I mean, obviously, we're gonna put your contact information in the show notes, but how do you work with people remotely? I'm assuming you offer consultations over Zoom. Is that your preference?

Sally: Yes. So, right on our webpage is an inquiry form where you can fill out an inquiry if you're interested in speaking with us, about working with us. And from there, I will reach out to you and set up a complimentary 30 minutes consultation where we'll discuss your needs and your situation and really see if working together is a good fit.

And then if it is a good fit, what we can do is we can work together virtually throughout a container of coaching that will design and tailor to you. Just make sure you're ready to change your actions, change your thoughts, change your belief systems, and you'll be in the right place.

Jack: Yeah. And it'll start with a consultation, so there's no obligation there. Get to know one another, see if it makes sense. And I think that's phenomenal. Sally, thank you for being here and spending time with us, answering questions for our friends. And you know, what's most beautiful about this and about your insights is that they're all rooted in truth, and they're highly actionable, which is what makes them, in my mind, extraordinarily valuable.

Again, we're going to put your website and your social media pages in our show notes and friends, I know you've got some golden nuggets out of today's show. If you can start applying some of these in your own relationships, test them, see how they work, or maybe just reach out to Sally.

If you need someone to really coach you through this, I think that would be a wonderful thing. And I remember in my life that relationships are unique. They're the foundations of great communication, foundation of understanding, mutual respect. And I think those are the universal laws of good relationships.

And with that, we're going to wrap up. And again, if you've enjoyed today's episode, please don't forget to subscribe at mindsetreinvented.com. And most importantly, share this episode with someone who you think might benefit from Sally's advice. And even if you don't know if somebody's having a struggle inside of their relationships, we never know what someone needs to hear right now.

And this right here could make all the difference in the world if they have access to it. So, Sally, before we wrap up, any final thoughts for the folks that are listening to us today?

Sally: Dare to love greatly. Dare to believe in love. It is out there. And I believe that every human being's birthright is to love and feel loved.

Jack: Amen. Amen. Thank you again, Sally. Thank you again.

Sally: My pleasure.

Jack: Bye for now, everyone.

Sally: And thanks for your questions, everyone.

Jack: Yes, absolutely. Thank you. If you like this episode of Mindset Reinvented, please subscribe, rate and review us wherever you get your podcasts from. It helps more than you know. Thanks. See you next time.